Why are the streets in Hollywood so clean?
Because they put
all
the garbage on television.
Beverley Hills?
That's where they watch "Dynasty" to see how
the
poor people live.
Never ask an English person where he's from. If he's from Yorkshire, he'll tell you; if he's from anywhere else, it's unfair to embarrass him.
Tourist to small boy: Does it ever stop raining in Scotland?
Small boy : I don't know, I'm only 13.
Student 1: My intro to Edinburgh was icily horizontal sleet backed up by
a force 9 gale. I kid you not.
Student 2: Oh? You came in summer, then?
Traditionally, the inhabitants of the area around Sofia, the Shops,
have a reputation for a species of stupid cunning...
There are two Shop policemen on duty in Sofia, when they're approached by a tourist. He asks a question in English, obviously looking for help. They don't understand him, so he tries again in French. Still no better. He tries once more in German, and, getting no response, finally gives up and goes away.
"I think we should learn a foreign language, don't you?", says one policeman. "It might be useful". "I don't see why", says the other. "That tourist knew several, and it didn't help him".
Chinese to European: You are not us clever as us. We discovered
gunpowder and used it for fireworks. You used it in guns.
We discovered ships and long-distance navigation, and gave it up. You
used it to create America.
Did you know the Belgian Ministry of Transport has introduced a new
sign?
It reads "End of Roundabout".
What sign do they put on the bottom of Belgian swimming pools?
"No
smoking".
A farmer is working near his farmhouse when he sees, a few fields away, a distant figure leaning over towards the horsetrough. He shouts out [the Dutch for] "Don't drink that water! It's full of pesticide!". The figure shouts back "Ich verstehe nicht! Was sagen Sie?". So he cups his hands to his mouth and shouts at the top of his voice "BEIDE HANDEN! BEIDE HANDEN!".
God decides to visit the Earth to see what men think of his
creation. So he comes down to the surface and starts his travels in
England. He comes to a farmer working in the fields.
- "Mr Farmer, Mr
Farmer. What do you think of this land that I have made for thee?
Are you happy with it?"
"Well, it's very scenic. I like the lakes, and the rivers, and the swamps, and the mountains. But, you know, there is not enough space. All the land is lakes, and rivers, and swamps, and mountains, and there is no room to grow anything."
"Hmmm, yes, I understand. Well, suppose I remove most of the lakes, and the rivers, and the swamps, and the mountains. Would that satisfy thee?".
"Yes, that would satisfy me." So God does, and the farmer walks away happy. God continues his travels and comes to France, where he meets a peasant, toiling in the vinyards.
"Mr Peasant, Mr Peasant, are you happy with this land that I have made for thee? Are you happy with it?"
"Well, the climate is excellent, and the soil grows good grapes. But, you know, my master doesn't care about that. All he wants to do is to get the grapes to wine as quickly as possible. He doesn't care at all about the quality of the wime."
"Hmmmm, yes, I see. Well, suppose I take away your master and give you a new master? Would you then be happy?"
"Yes, that would satisfy me." So God does, and the peasant walks away satisfied. God continues his travels, down through Italy, and eventually comes to Greece, where he meets a farmer working in the fields.
"Mr Farmer, Mr Farmer, what do you think of this land that I have made for thee? Are you happy with it?".
"No, I am not happy?".
"But why not?"
"Look. This is my ox [points here], and this is my neighbour's ox [points there]."
"But what is wrong?"
"Don't you see? Look! This is my ox [points here again], and this is my neighbour's ox [points there again]. His ox is twice as big as my ox."
"Hmmm, yes, I see. So suppose I made your ox as big as your neighbour's ox. Would that satisfy you?"
"No, you don't understand."
"But why? If I make your ox as big as your neighbour's ox, you will both be equal."
"No, you don't understand. I want you to KILL my neighbour's ox!"
Scene: The White House
Presidential Aide - Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just
landed on the Moon! And they've started to paint it
red! What shall we do?
Ronnie - Come back when they've finished, son.
P.A. [later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter
of the moon red!
Ronnie - Don't worry about it, son. Tell me when they've
finished.
P.A. [still later]- Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the
moon red! Aren't you going to do anything!
Ronnie - Nope, not yet.
P.A. [still later and even more anxious]
- Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted
THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red! Can we bomb them, Sir!
Please Sir!
Ronnie - [ as before ]
P.A. - Mr Reagan. They've painted the *WHOLE* moon red!
Ronnie - OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up there,
with plenty of white paint, and paint "Coca-Cola" across
it.
This was in the time when Rusia was called Soviet Union:
Two guys meet on the street of Warsaw. One of them is very excited. "Do you know the recent
news?" asks the other guy. "No, what news?" he responds. "Ruskie landed on the moon!" the first
guy informs with excitement. "All of them?" asks the second. "No of course not, only three of
them". "Then go to hell with such news!" responds the second guy.
Andrzej Lewandowski
Ceaucescu, Bush and Gorbachev are travelling by ship to a conference, when they're wrecked on a desert island. Everything is lost in the disaster, they have no food, and so they decide to go their separate ways and scour the island.
After three days, Bush still has found nothing to live on, and he is desparate. As he comes to a clearing in the woods, he smells cooking. Can it be...? He looks into the clearing, and sees Ceaucescu stirring a big pot over a fire. "How can I persude him to give me some of that?", he thinks. "I know! - he hates communists. So ..."
Bush ventures into the clearing and greets Ceaucescu. "I don't like Gorbachev, do you?", he says. "Oh, that's a shame", says Ceaucescu. "You won't want any of this stew then, will you?".
Doctor doctor, my pack hurts!
Hmm yes, you've slipped a disc.
Doctor doctor, I think I've got fleas!
Hmm yes, you shouldn't have mounted that scratch disc.
How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical shift right?
27. One to hold the bits, and 26 to push the register.
How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a process?
5. Four to hold it down, and one to pull the trigger.
How do you know when an IBM salesman is lying?
When his mouth is moving.
There are two lions in the zoo. One says "You know, I am completely fed up with being here. Tomorrow, I intend to make my escape. The other says "I agree. I shall do the same". The following day at feeding time, they overpower their keeper, leap out of the cage, and run into the park outside the zoo. As they part, the first lion calls "Let's meet in six months' time. We'll come back to this park, and tell each other how we got on". Then they go their separate ways.
Six months later, as arranged, they meet. The first lion says "Well, here we are. But say, what happened to you??? Your fur is falling out, you've got a torn ear and scratches everywhere, you're terribly thin - you look terrible". The second lion replies "When I left the park, I ran towards the centre of town. There are a lot of butchers' shops there, and I thought I'd easily be able to overpower the staff and drag off a joints of meat. So I ran into one of the shops, but the owner called the police, and they called the army, with lots of men with nets and guns, and I only just got away. I managed to hide in the woods outside town, and since then, I've been living a miserable existence eating berries and the occasional rabbit when I can catch it, and I think it would be better to go back to the zoo. But say, you look as though you're OK. Youre fur is sleek and glossy, you're well-fed - what happened?
And the first lion says "You know there's an science park over at the other side of town. It's full of bushes and shrubs, and I decided to run over there and use it as my hideout. Well, there's an IBM software office there. So I've been hiding out in the bushes, and I just eat an IBM manager each day. It's great. There's an endless supply, and no-one notices when one's gone.
Lisp programmers (do it)
Q: What's green and commutes?
A: An Abelian grape.
Question: in this integral, what's step 2?
_
| !
| 1
1) | ------- d (cabin)
| (cabin)
| !
-
2) = ?
3) = HOUSEBOAT
2) = log(cabin) + C
Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A: Zorn's lemon.
Q: What's equivalent to the Axiom of Choice and jumps off cliffs?
A: Zorn's lemming.
Q: Why does eleven fear seven?
A: Because seven ate nine ten.
Everything can be expressed in first order logic, even irony.
Q: How many commutative groups are there?
A: A billion ("Abelian").
A Chemist, Physicist, and Economist are shipwrecked. They
swim for days, and eventually come to a desert island, just
as they're about to die of starvation. The island has lots
of edible animals, but our team lack the energy to catch
them; all they've managed to salvage from the wreck is a can
of beans, and not even a tin-opener.
Physicist : I know, we'll build a fire under the tin. When
the sauce inside boils, the tin will explode.
I'll calculate how hot the fire has to be.
Chemist : OK. And I'll work out how much wood we need.
Physicist : And I'll calculate the trajectory of the beans
as they spurt out of the tin, so we can catch
them.
Economist : You two do make things complicated. Why not
just assume you have a tin-opener?
In economics exams, the questions are the same, but the answers change each year.
Economists of the world unite - you have nothing to lose but your Keynes.
When economists are working in the Bod in the morning, why
don't they [the men, of course] scratch their balls?
Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
An economist is a man who takes long strides to save his $20 shoes, and splits his $50 trousers.
To prove that all odd numbers are prime...
Mathematician: 3's prime; 5's prime; 7's prime.
Therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime.
Chemist: 3's prime; 5's prime; 7's prime; 11's prime; ...
9's not prime - ah well, experimental error.
Therefore, all odd numbers are prime.
Economist: 3's prime; 5's prime; 7's prime; 9's prime; 11's prime; ...
...
How can you distinguish a mathematician from a physicist?
1. Give them each a kettle-full of cold water, and ask them to make a cup
of tea. They will both boil the water, pour it into the tea-pot, and brew
the tea.
2. Now, give them each a kettle-full of *hot* water. The physicist will pour it into the tea-pot, and so on as before. The mathematician will empty the kettle down the sink, and fill it with cold water, thus reducing the problem to one which he's already solved.
Two physicists were lost in the sky, riding in a hot-air balloon. They drifted over a valley and saw someone below. "Let's ask him where we are," the first physicist said. So he shouted down: "WHERE AAAARE WE?" There was a long pause, after which the man shouted back: "YOUUU'RE IN A BALLOOON." "Obviously a mathematician," the second physicist said. "Why do you say that?" "Well, he took a long time to answer; his answer was completely correct; and, it was utterly useless."
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician were going to a seminar. They all bought train tickets, and were assigned adjacent cabins on the train. All three were heavy smokers, and as they were dropping off to sleep they all set their bedclothes on fire.
The engineer ran to the tap in his cabin and started flinging water all over the place. Eventually enough got onto the bed to put the fire out. His baggage and bed were soaked, but the fire was out. He went back to sleep, perfectly satisfied.
The physicist went to his desk, sat down, and spent a few minutes calculating the exact amount of water necessary to put out the fire. Of course the fire had grown by this time and spread to his baggage, but he allowed for that in his calculations. He then put the fire out with a minimum expenditure of water, and went back to sleep, perfectly satisfied.
The mathematician sat and looked at the fire for a few minutes, then walked over to his tap. He lit a match and put it under the stream of water. It went out. "Aha", he exclaimed, "a solution exists"... and went back to sleep, perfectly satisfied.
A mathematician, an engineer, and a logician are travelling on a train through
Wales. They pass by a field with a black sheep in it.
Engineer - Ah! All sheep in Wales are black.
Mathematician - No. Some Welsh sheep are black.
Logician. - There is at least one sheep in Wales which is black on
at least one side.
[In some versions, Bertrand Russell is the logician.]
A Mathematician, a Biologist and an Engineer are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Engineer: "The measurement wasn't accurate.?
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
Q: How do you get 10 random numbers?
A: Ask a historian to count to 6.
Everything can be expressed in first order logic, even irony.
Biographical leverage: CIA jargon for "blackmail".
Adore: to venerate expectantly.
No, no, no Vlad!
I said put the check in the post, not the post in the Czech.
Steve Bennet
Scenes from a Cabinet Dinner:
Waiter: Would you like to order now Madam?
Maggie: I'll have the steak please.
Waiter: How would you like it done?
Maggie: Rare. I want to see blood on it.
Waiter: And the vegetables?
Maggie: Oh, they'll have the same.
Spitting Image
How it really happened number 13:
Newton: [Groans]. My head doth ache, and I do tremble as though
I had an ague. If I ever catch the slippery-fingered
soddish son of a whore who let slip the chamber-pot as
I walked through London today, I shall whip him roundly
to within an inch of his despicable life.
I have had to dodge the contents of such vessels on many
times, but today, 'tis the first that I must dodge not only
the contents, but the vessel itself.
And yet, if I had moved my head but a fraction more quickly,
the pot would have continued in its flight un-impeded. My
head doth ache... it is hard to think. But soft! I do scent
the germ of an idea here...
Harry Harrison
And now, the vampire with no sense of timing...
Oh what a beautiful morning,
Oh what a beautiful day
... day ...?
Oh s**t!
[thud]
Oxford Comedy Cellar
What happens if you don't pay the exorcist?
You get repossessed.
Q: How do you tell the clan of a Scotsman?
A: Look up his kilt. If it's not wimpy, then he's a MacDonald.
Q: How do frogs die?
A: They Kermit suicide!
V: Het is oranje maar niet helemaal zeker?
A: Een misschienaasappel!
V: Het is een aardbei maar niet helemaal?
A: Een aardbijna!
[Op school] Leraar naar leerling: Wat is het tegenovergestelde van
theoloog?
Leerling: Theo zei de waarheid!